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I can't keep going through the motions
I want more than to just survive
Take my hand; make me feel new emotions
Show me how to feel alive

Can we dance in the rain?
Run through a field of flowers?
Can we fight through the pain?
And stop counting the hours?

Because one more day is too late these days.

I'm not used to being myself
In fact, I don't know who that is
I'd like to find out
But I'm afraid I'm dead inside
So take my hand, help me revive

I don't understand

Show me how to feel alive


Can we laugh, can we cry, can we sing, can we fly?

Show me what it's like
I want give it a try
But first, show me

Show me how to feel alive...
One more day is too late these days...
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner May 8, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist

Hey there,

 

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested. 

 

I want to start by saying that you’ve got a lot of emotion running through this poem. The statements and questions are straight forward and impactful. I think the strong points of this poem are the emotion, the rhyme and your use of italics/alternate fonts- which really helped the impact.

 

If I have any constructive feedback to offer it would be…there were moments when I found your word choices to be bordering on cliché- the 2nd stanza, for example, although I think the rhyme is successful, I think it could have been even stronger if you had stretched your vocabulary and used words that were more unique and created more imagery. 

 

I hope this is helpful and thank you so much for sharing your words!  :heart:

Reply
:icontommyboywood:
tommyboywood Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Nice. Reminds me a bit of my piece - You make me want to live!
Reply
:iconnooneknowswheretogo:
NoOneKnowsWhereToGo Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I feel like this a lot except I really don't need to cry ever again, that it just terrible. You are amazing :3
Reply
:iconimitationteal:
ImitationTeal Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014
Beautiful as always :icongreatjobplz:
Reply
:iconinvoking:
Invoking Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Teal~
Reply
:iconimitationteal:
ImitationTeal Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014
No prob!
Reply
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September 2, 2014
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