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My Mind Is A Graveyard And My Body Is A Scar.There’s constantly something wrong with me
I can’t look in the mirror for fear I’ll see
Another part of me that I can’t let be
I want to cut it out of my soul
And just live with the gaping hole
Take control and choose to lose
The part of my heart where the insides bruised
I didn’t fall; I was caught by the lonely, crushing darkness
Of this I’m sure; it was there more than you ever were
I don’t know why the love I need
Is flowing in the blood I bleed
Yes, I’m confused and, yes, I’m a mess
Frustrations magnified by stress
I don’t know why I pushed so far
New cuts cover where the old ones are
My scars are scarred, my heart’s in shards
I’m breaking down like a house of cards
I fell already blind into decimating blackness
And used what I could find of my heart as target practice
Beautiful.They say I’m beautiful
Because of the way my crystalline heart reflects light off its fractured surface
Well, that isn't a reflection
It’s rejection of the light because it’s all too much to handle
Throw myself away into the dark without even a candle
‘Cause I don’t want to recognize all the pain I’m in
Or realize the truth behind what I am or who I've been
And I tried to make things right but I just keep on making wrong
I never listened to the angel on my shoulder when she called
I count my tears like they’re experience
And my scars like they’re mysterious
And that’s a feeling I’ll remember –
Watching as you left
Watching as you ended what was meant to be forever
And I can see it in their eyes; everyone can empathize
So they say that I’m beautiful because they don’t know what else to say.
But if being broken is beautiful, then it’s the ugliest way...
Take It All Away.There’s a tear between each smile and a fracture on my heart
And a thousand feelings breaking me and tearing me apart
Knowing when it’s over I may lose my sanity
Embrace the mess I am and the storm inside of me
In the dark I have a chance to fight away my problems
To ignore them all away instead of trying to solve them
All I saw when I looked back was a mass of insecurity
Laying waste to who I am and ripping at the seam
Lowering my already non-existent self-esteem
And I couldn’t help admitting I’m a self-made failure
Walking a broken path as a second-hand savior
And it all adds up to nothing; me in a nutshell
Yanking on the chain that tethers me to hell…
Love Me.She falls asleep most every night
To the sound of her parents pointless fight
And clinging tightly to her tear soaked pillow
She goes to school most every day
Wishing she could run away
From all those who torture her
For not being ‘cool’
Her mother, she just plain ignores her
Her father’s never even there
Who would notice if she were gone?
Who would even care?
She just wants to make it quick
To take this razor as her friend
And feel its tender loving kiss
Pressed against her paper skin
She just wants to make it stop
The feeling lonely, sad and hated
She holds the blade up to eye level
I don’t know how long she waited
She presses hard against her skin
And lines of ink bleed from the pen
The blade, it rests there on her knee
On her arm she wrote
Diamond In The Rough.Long hair and deep brown eyes so sad but full of hope
Walks over to his side and hands him a love note
Then he points and laughs at her for the feelings she confessed
She feels emptiness as a heartbeat in her chest
At home she’ll water down her pain with broken pride
Trying to fix the girl who fell apart inside
Long hair and deep brown eyes so sad and full of tears
She’s not that different, but can’t fit in with her peers
They all have their looks and brand name clothes
Just because she doesn’t, she’s the girl nobody knows
And this goes out to her; I just hope that it’s enough
To let her know I see the diamond hidden in the rough
The Moment Before.Some days I can’t even get out of bed
So I lay there in the shadows with the voices in my head
And they torment me with memories and things I had to choose
Somehow it ended up no matter what it is I lose
But I put on my best smile and nobody can tell
I’m not as happy as I seem, in fact, I’m doing well
I stare myself down in the mirror and thought I’d at least try
To make it through another day I tell another lie
That’s exactly what I’ll say if anybody asks
I’m alright; I’m okay with living life behind these masks
Nobody has to worry because I’m obviously faking
I’m permanently stuck in the moment before breaking
I’m a pile of emotions all cluttered on the floor
With so much weight attached I can’t hold it anymore
But I’ve learned to live a lie and nobody can tell
That I’m just about to fall apart, In fact, I’m doing well.
What I Can't EraseLike the gnarled roots of an old decaying tree
I’m twisted and confused, tired of being me
On the surface I am strong, abrasively calm, and ready
But underneath it all I’m weak, wrong, and unsteady
I shudder at the wind; tell tale of death’s bringer
I feel the chill upon my spine; forever it seems to linger
Now is not the time for cleansing wounds of past battles
Worse is lurking just beyond the howling darkness of the shadows
There isn't much that I can do against an army borne of fear
Every nightmare, all my demons, they’re all assembled here
They’re everything that I’m ashamed to say is part of me
The ugly truth behind my eyes no one should ever see
And if I held my ground would it be too much to face?
Or should I just ignore what I know I can’t erase?
Heartless.Happiness is an emotion I was never meant to capture
Every beat produces another microscopic fracture
And my heart is a toy because it’s played with and abused
Ripped up and torn apart thought it’s never even used
Tiny pieces falling, falling all the same
Losing all the meaning that was tattooed in my veins
Each fragment is calling, calling me by name
Sending shivers through my spine as I fight to break the chains
Showing me the mirror when I don’t know who to blame
Simple Girl Complicated ProblemsI know I am not the daughter you wanted
But at least you got it right the second time
My little sister found her place in your hearts
But I feel I have never really found mine
Why would you care to listen to your first born?
When you have a fresh blank canvas to create
All of those things that you wish I could have been
Had I not developed such negative traits
But those negative traits make me who I am
And shouldn't you love me without condition?
See my stubbornness as being strong minded
And when I talk, don’t interrupt just listen
I know I am not the daughter you wanted
I scowl but I still need your loving embrace
Though you barely acknowledge my existence
Apart from to tell me what I've done wrong today
But why would you ever want to talk to me
When an argument is never far away?
It’s the tone of your voice that hurts me the most
Rather than the words that you choose to say
To think I was once a baby in your arms
With such innocent eyes I could do no wrong
In many ways I
Three notes for you when I dieI, Don't cry
I don't want you to cover yourself with your duvet at 3 am and bite your lips until they bleed so that no one can hear you sobbing. I don't want you to tell everyone my life story with your eyes burning with streams of rivers and knowing I will never be there to wipe away your tears again. I don't want you to write a million of poems to my death, and make me up into the girl with millions of triumphs because I'm not and I never will be.
II, Don't romanticise
I don't see how beautiful it is to have my flesh scorched in the core of the Earth, or my hand turning blue and eyes scratched by millions of insects. I don't see how I could be compared to the mountain breeze or the ripple in the rain when all I am now is an inanimate cold rotting body with millions of crawlers on my lungs digging into me.
III, Don't hope
I want to tell you that I will be the autumn wind caressing your pale cheeks, or the ethereal ray blossoming your skin into different hues of su
in life you cannot plead the fourthlet's break this down.
humans need three things:
to be safe,
to be needed,
and to be loved,
and if they do not have these three
they go to work everyday and just
tie their windsor knot
as a human,
(because believe it or not, i am
a person.) i deserve
a life worth living.
i deserve a house and a family and
a husband that will not
beat me and children that i will
love and who
will not grow up to hate me.
i deserve a job that
keeps me stable and that will
pay my monthly therapist's
i am skin and bones.
and beating hearts and
organs that if taken
i will die--and this is not crying wolf
like She screams for
(this is my declaration that
if you leave and take my heart with you
my body will convulse and keel over.)
this is my declaration that
my person is not loved enough.
my person is empty.
and i think that i should be
reincarnated into one a' those
glass coca-cola bottles because
i break like a radio
When I Grow UpAge Ten:
I'll be a Wizard when I grow up! My magic used for Good.
I'll turn lead to gold and brew True Love, in my cabin in the wood.
I'll be a Jedi when I grow up! The force flows through my veins.
And with my saber I'll ensure that the Dark side never reigns.
I'll be a Knight when I grow up! Raise the crest on high!
Feasting in the royal halls, though the Battle's on the nigh!
I'll be a Karate-Master when I grow up! My honour proud and great.
When rival dojos challenge me, I will bravely face my fate.
I'll be a Rock Star when I grow up! My fans will jump and dance!
I'll shred some catchy licks and riffs as I wear my shiny pants!
I'll be a Cop when I grow up! No punks will give me lip!
My baton will be a-twirling, and I'll wear a pistol on my hip!
I'll be a Scientist when I grow up! I'll be Master of the atom.
I'll discover brand new elements as I dig deep wit
The Elephant ManHe had elephant hands; swollen and tendered
by old age and wiping away childrens' crying
so they were leathered and carefully painted
with a veneer of the dust made by old books,
but when he read to me the pages didn't shake
and his throat didn't contract about the words
like they were enemies to be spat out, bloodied.
Lungs didn't shiver and eyes didn't milk, then.
Now, I see love ephemeral. I see love half-dead
and carving its riverbed path, slowly eroding;
until it can rejoin oceans once known in heaven.
Now, I see him ephemeral. I see him half-living.
I see the fear of burdenship as the only thing
that makes his eyes flicker how Pernod used to.
I see a beautiful, crumpled drawing of my hero
as my grandfather slips, wearily, back to sleep.
life lessons.laugh a little,
love a lot.
you'll get your heart broken
so maybe not,
but who am i
to call the shots?
sadness will consume you
if you allow it to.
happiness is a few steps away,
but it's up to you to find its path
& don't forget,
nothing will last.
take what you get
& work for what you want.
know that something will set
but waiting will get you nowhere.
be kind to those you love
so they'll know that you're there.
play the hand you're dealt
& gamble what you want.
learn to deal
because all of it is real.
learn your lessons
before you play them out.
know them thoroughly
before you get out.
The Family Has Been InformedBullets that are too far away to hear back home
But words that will forever ring just as loud in my ears
Delivered from the lips of a uniformed man
The sympathetic sentence any mother fears to hear
I turn away as if ignoring his presence
Will make this unwanted reality go away
But he repeats that he is sorry for my loss
Those words are the last thing I remember of that day
I find myself looking out of the back yard window
On the swings in the garden I still see my boy play
I am bringing drinks out to him and his brothers
Under the sun, on the grass, on endless summer days
Those memories like photographs in frames on the wall
Now show my son with a wife and child of his own
A husband and father torn from their loving arms
In to the mass grave-in-waiting of a war zone
His old bedroom was already a shrine to him
Even before his blood soaked deep in to the desert sands
We waited for him to return from his first tour
Knowing the boy we’d said goodbye to would come home a man
The PlaylistA group of us lying on the floor
in a too-small apartment
that can’t hold a fraction of our disorders
syndromes and symptoms
tucked under the kitchen sink
and in between self help books
and in the pages of love poetry
only half meant.
A group of us lying on the floor
wishing we could see the stars.
but thats not how the architecture
has been set up for us
we have to live our lives blinkered
from the celestial
but at least we have each other.
A group of us lying on the floor
letting music replace our immune systems
not caring if a misspent lyric saves us,
not caring if a dropped note kills us
we don’t care about anything but the floor,
these walls, these chains,
that sound so familiar in an acoustic’s voice.
A group of us lying on the floor
caring about nothing but the ceiling
thats blocking out the light.
six steps to fixing youstep one
cry. scream. bang your fists against the walls
that keep you locked inside.
kick your feet in the air. tell your sister she's stupid
and wrong and that you've never loved her.
cry. scream. apologize via him to you.
let your tears catch on your lashes
until you can no longer see anything but your own
demise. taste the bitterness left in
your mouth from your own bitching and rot in it.
break a mug. break two. kick
the pieces around the kitchen floor and cry some more.
break a plate. break a cup. break a bowl.
break a finger because nothing can take away this
sort of pain. you are empty and yet
you are filled with so much anger.
break a razor and paint pictures across your skin.
you are okay, you tell them.
you break three days later and you lie
in bed, unable to move.
start picking up the pieces. clean up the mess
you've made and he's left.
use windex to polish off the dirt and
Frustration.When I’m tired of living because all I do is fight
And cry myself to sleep in the late hours of night
When the thought of giving in is so infinitely sweeter
And pain will always have a way because pain’s a lying cheater
When my only real friend is the pillow I hold tight
And it’s drenched in so many tears I could literally drown
When the ceiling turns to shadow and devours all the light
And I try to force a smile but it comes out a crooked frown
When I gasp for every breath like it’ll make some sort of difference
And my sight is swallowed whole by the darkness in the distance
When the path I chose to walk becomes the path of most resistance
And I struggle with each step just to establish my existence
When the aching doesn’t go away, but it’s all I hold onto
And there’s an impenetrable wall that I plan on breaking through
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